Gosh! It’s so painful to go against your nature, to roll over your own boundaries all to accommodate the needs and wants of others. Yet we do it so easily.
Why do we as human beings rush to lower our defenses so as to not offend others?
I have two major theories:
1- We do it because we are scared to be alone because we either have not spent enough time by ourselves to truly enjoy the simple pleasures of being or on the other hand, because we’ve spent so much time alone that we can’t help but consider another moment of loneliness. If you’re in either category, know that I understand you, but perhaps what will attract the best people into your life is to be alone.
It’s definitely an oxymoron; how does being alone attract better people? Wouldn’t you get better by playing the field and being with more people more often till you bump into the right one?
See when we are alone doing the things we enjoy and we follow our bliss on a daily basis we start learning more and more about ourselves, our likes and dislikes and slowly through time and practice we start forging those likes and dislikes into our soul. When this learning of the soul occurs it is much easier to let go of people that don’t align with our core values and desires, and much easier to gravitate toward the people that do represent those values. However when we do not have our values rooted in our daily practices these values are feeble, and when presented with enough force they can easily be broken. It’s the difference between a novice athlete breaking their diet versus an experienced Olympic athlete breaking their diet, sure they both can break it but the chances of the novice athlete doing it are higher because they lack the discipline and experience that a veteran athlete would have.
2- The second reason we can break our own values is that we think we’re doing it for a higher purpose.
I’d like to tell you a story about unconscious abuse.
There once was a girl who suffered greatly throughout life, everyone she met would only hurt her or mistreat her. Throughout her life, she kept her head up high but each blow to her ego only made her angrier, weaker, and fearful. Slowly through time, she started growing a hard outer shell to protect herself from the world. At first, it helped to guard her against troubles but with each passing day that she nourished that shell it only became stronger, so much so that her shell grew spikes. This sea urchin of a girl now turned woman, had become the thing she hated most. Now in order for her to feel safe, she had to hurt before others would hurt her. Fighting fire with fire will only make things burn quicker.
There once was a boy who suffered greatly throughout life, everyone he met would only hurt him or mistreat him. Throughout his life, he kept his head up high but each blow to his ego only made him angrier, weaker, and fearful. Slowly through time, he decided that the best course of action was to open himself up, to love the process even if it hurt. He learned to accept the pain and that made him stronger, made him more resilient. Things didn’t seem to hurt him as much, his soft heart bounced off the negativity and things simply didn’t bother him as much. He felt that he could do anything. Help anyone.
One day the boy and the girl met, and they hit it off almost instantly, her hard spiky shell did not bother the boy as his tolerance for pain was far greater than she could hurt him… At first… But each day that passed the shell grew stronger and the spikes would bury deeper and deeper into the boy, him always opting to go along with the pain as he taught he was strong enough, surely he could overcome. Yet as the days grew colder and the boy and the girl got closer together the spikes began to tear the boy to pieces, his desire to be there and to be strong made him stubborn enough to stay. One day the girl woke up to find the boy’s heart pierced by one of her spikes. The boy had been dead for a while but her shell was so thick, that she hadn’t noticed it.
This is a story about boundaries, a story about taking the good with the bad and making something great out of it, but also about seeing the bad with the good and realizing that it’s better to walk away, when the pain becomes too much. You don’t need to save the world, you don’t need to save anyone but yourself. You Yourself are enough, the only love you need is yours. The only adoration you need is yours, the only approval you need is yours.
I’ve been the boy at times, and I’ve been the girl as well, and I’ve come to realize that everything is about moderation, one cannot be so soft that everyone tramples over you, yet neither so hard that you end up hurting everyone that gets close to you. One needs to be soft enough to bend but hard enough to not break. One needs to know where one’s values are and how to uphold them. You need to be hard with your boundaries but soft with how you communicate them. Life is full of sea urchins and of doughy softies, but balanced people we do not have many. Be a balanced individual, learn to walk away, and learn when you need to stay.
Before you set out into the world to find a partner remember that first, you must embody the things you want in that partner so as to be able to give them to yourself even without that special someone. You are not half of a person, you are a whole person, and you must learn to find other wholes. You are stronger than you imagine yourself to be. There is nothing you can’t do if you fortify your emotional arsenal with the right tools to get you through the tough times.
I hope this blog post serves you to realize that the time you spend on your own is not time away from love or life, but rather; time spent inside yourself is time spent bettering the filters through which you experience life.