It’s been a while since I make a genuine post, something that really comes from my heart and reflects what is going on in my life and perhaps it’s about time to do that.
First off, I’m frustrated at life right now, it seems like for the past maybe 6-7 months I’ve been in a downward spiral somehow not of my own making
I was kicked out of the house I was living in, for circumstances away from me, had to quickly move to a new home which broke must of the suspension from my car, which got me in and out of mechanics to for like 2 months all’s whilst dealing with a troublesome neighbor and then enter a break up.
I’m sure I left all sorts of things out but all in all it’s just been an uphill battle lately and I’m finding it harder and hard to decompress. I think perhaps the reason I haven’t been writing as much publicly has been because people now actually read this.
Which is quite interesting considering how at first I started writing because I wanted people to read my thoughts but for a long time no one really did and then I started enjoying just the fact that I could write what I wanted to an audience of crickets. Now however with more people looking at the content it started getting scary to write. To tell my unique point of point for fear of not really critique but more like knowing that others knew more about me than I might have liked. Whilst this blog hasn’t been particularly a diary it is the place where I’ve been known to come and resolve specific topics I might be battling with or others might be battling with and even though it feels great to hear people tell me they enjoy what I have to say, it can also be scary to have them know that I am in fact human after all. That I too suffer from sometime crippling anxiety, outbursts of sadness and that I too sometimes wanna quit my job.
All of that makes me vulnerable and society has taught me that being vulnerable means being less than, being bullied, being made fun of. Yet I know that’s not true, because the greatest people in my life have also been the ones to show themselves truly to me. To cry and to laugh, to run away and to stay, and wether for good or worse, those people are the ones that I’ll always remember, not the yes men and women, or the particularly hateful ones. But the real ones, the ones that showed themselves exactly how they were, not afraid to show their warts and their battle scars.
I want to be like them too, I want to be accepted for who I am despite of whatever traumas I may have had or whatever I may have gone through. I am worth acceptance, I am worth safety, and I am worth love.
Let me tell you one last thing. So are you!
Warts and all you are worth speaking out, you are worth a space to vent, you are worth a space to cry. To think, to process, a safe space where you can say anything and everything and not be judged. You are worth all those things and more, but yet how can you attract a community that sees your worth when you are the one upholding the censors.
The mind is free to wander and create ripples in the sea of thought, but the soul must choose what waves to ride.