Merry Christmas

Hope you’re having a nice Christmas Eve. You’re spending it with your loves one and you’re being loved throughout the holidays.

I’ll be honest, Christmas time for me is a weird time, last couple of Christmasses for me whilst fun have also brought with them great tragedies. Stuff that makes me a bit sad.

I’ll open up about it, and be mindful you know, I realize y’all read this and feel closer to me and whilst I do appreciate that greatly, my heart is a beautiful sunflower so treat your comments and opinions with kindness.

Right off the bath, around the beginning of this month a couple of years ago my best friend died of an overdose. It took me a long time to come to terms with it, with you know seeing it as a suicide and not blame the people that sold the drugs to him, and to understand that addiction is a disease you feel me. It’s like having diabetes, or asthma. You can’t help that shit. When you get it, you get it and you’re gonna need treatment for that, but the most important thing of course is to understand and come to terms with the fact that it wasn’t his fault either (yes even when it was his choice) it’s not his fault. Then add on top of all of that the personal guilt of “I wasn’t there for him enough”, “I could have done more” and things really start burning your insides badly.

It’s a shitty feeling but you know it’ll pass. I know deep down I did all that was in my power to help, be there and love them as much as I could. For that I know I did well, and I forgive myself for the times I wasn’t able to be there. Different times back then, different people, different goals I guess.

I’m better now, it’s been a couple of years since his departure. But just something I gotta remind myself every so often. Death is very hard, we all deal with it in our own way. I guess time and introspection are my way of dealing with it.

Word of advice: Time heals all wounds. Time and forgiveness.

Other than that, I have a weird pattern of giving too much, being too caring and loving, and I kinda always end up left wanting. It’s a shitty feeling. I guess the best way to describe it is like that episode on The Office where Michael buys Ryan a really expensive gift but everybody else bought budget gifts and Michael ends up not feeling his gift too much cause well dang “I went all out”. Well it feels like that, and it’s happened multiple times you know. Definitely not a fan of that feeling, but I can see it being a mirror to many of my relationships and how I’m always the giver but hardly ever receive the same energy or at the same amounts. I guess all that can really come from this is a journey towards controlling my emotions more. Maybe not going all out when I should be going 20% out.

That serves as a good lesson. To measure your relationships with a keen eye, and to only give as much as one is receiving. No more, no less. This balance might make things last longer. Might also uncover issues earlier on that could be talked about and potentially fixed.

Just a little reflection so that we can keep the Christmas spirits up. Hope you have a wonderful Christmas, I’m having fun, doing things I like you know. Can’t get better than that. Thanks for reading.

Love you.

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