Been doing a lot of introspection lately and I can’t quite help but feel that most if not all of my issues come from an inability to grasp reality at it’s purest form. I always find myself working from and perhaps towards an ideal, wether that means; being a great friend to everyone and always expecting that from people that cannot give it to me, or being the best romantic partner I can be to partners that do not try their best in the relation.
It all seems to sprout perhaps from the old idiom, “do onto others as you would like them do onto you.” However the more I work from and towards those ideals the less I seem to find what I truly want. Which is to connect with truly like-minded individuals that value my friendship, my presence and my authentic being-ness as much as I value theirs.
I’ve come to a “solution” which might be a drastic one but it involves cutting communication with everyone in my current spheres of personal relationship. Stop all work towards relationships that do not seem reciprocal, and instead focus solely on myself. The best times of my life came during a period of complete and utter self-love and from there I gained lots of new people and slowly but surely ended up losing myself in these people. Days, months and years later I find myself nothing but a shell of my former self, unable to forgive those that hurt me but even worse, unable to forgive myself for allowing to be pur in such positions.
I do not know if things will change but I know one thing, and that is that if you put in the work consistently something is always bound to change. You will get better, you will grow stronger and you will feel like yourself again.